It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
