I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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