Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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