I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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