when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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