Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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