On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I touched a dick in church today
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize