I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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