I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
