I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
