WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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