I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
