Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
