Whod you bang
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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