Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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