She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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