This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
