$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
