i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
