i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's official drugs can't kill me
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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