i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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