He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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