Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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