he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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