I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
