shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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