Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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