Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
