you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
