Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
