I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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