so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
