I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The uberlube is also flammable
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Randomize
