They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
