I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
