then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
