Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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