She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
worst night to have a conscience
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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