Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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