look no pants
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
