NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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