We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
