There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
