I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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