That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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