I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
