mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
