Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
