I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
