this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
