Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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