2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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